“Once there was a mouse who was freezing and as he walked through the forrest, anyone could hear his complaints of the cold. ‘I’m SO cold,’ he cried over and over until suddenly a bird appeared above him and shat upon him. The mouse began to scream, ‘I’m covered in shit!’ but as he continued through the forrest he noticed that while gross, the shit was actually keeping him warm. So his cries of the cold changed to cries of being covered in shit. That is until a second bird heard him and offered to help. Tired of the shit, the mouse accepted his help and it was then that the bird swooped down and ate him.”—
*She told this story to remind me that just because someone shits one you doesn’t mean they don’t love you. And not everyone who offers to help you out of the mess, really cares.*
Elizabeth: Send me love and light every time you think of me, then let me go.
Eat. Pray. Love. (2010)
Today I wasn’t angry. For the first time in a while. And it wasn’t the sunshine, it wasn’t the cold air. It wasn’t anyone other than you. I am hurt by you, but I don’t want you hurt. I love you too much for that.
I let go of trivial things easily but it’s the hardest thing in the world for me to swallow my pride. But somewhere in the middle of the night, while my brain rested, my heart crept north and deposited the knowledge that my behavior is not love either.
So this post was born out of a conversation I had with a very unlikely (yet adorable) person the other day about their current break-up situation and it set my mental wheels into motion. Whether professional, personal, intimate or familial, break-ups are tough, for everyone. But as I was listening to this (adorable) someone, I began thinking about myself and the situations of my other friends…and the similarities were astounding. There are basic Do’s & Don’ts to breaking up that we all (myself included) could stand to be reminded (or in some cases told) of.
So enough rambling - The Top 5 Rules To Breaking Up…
5. KNOW WHAT’S TEMPORARY & WHAT’S NOT: Anger is not a permanent emotion. In fact all anger really is, is the action form of hurt. Following a break-up, its important to understand which feelings you will always carry and which will fade over time. Love, real love, doesn’t stop. The relationship can change, it can even completely end, but if you truly care for someone, you will always care. But 20 years from now, when you run into one another on the street, will you remember the argument that did you in? Will it still matter? Probably not. So choose your words/moves carefully.
4. RETURN ALL FRIENDS TO THEIR RIGHTFUL OWNERS: This is going to be a controversial one but just follow me for a moment. Following a break-up it’s natural to reach out to your support system. But here is where it’s necessary to be clear and fair about who exactly YOUR support system is. When two people become close, it’s only natural that they get to know their respective friends. And often times true bonds form with the significant other. But in the face of a break-up, the very first thing that should happen is all friends must be returned to their respective sides. This isn’t asking yoru friends to become involved, in fact it’s actually the opposite. By returning to your original corner, you’re ensuring that your friends don’t get caught up in the middle. And no matter how close you are with them, until the dust clears, any real friend must know that their place is with their friend. Does that mean that once the dust settles, they can’t reach out? No. But until then, leave with who you came with and things will go a lot smoother.
3. EVERYONE ACTS LIKE THEY DON’T CARE, BUT EVERYONE DOES: Someone once told me 'He who cares least controls the relationship'. Now mind you, despite how unhealthy that theory is, it’s also completely null & void in the face of a break-up. The fact is, following any sort of break-up, the natural reaction is to act as if you don’t care. That’s bullshit. Any time there are feelings involved - be it for personal/professional/intimate/familial reasons - once these feelings are disturbed, it’s human nature to care. There are no cool points waiting at the end of adult break-ups. So even though he/she/them are outwardly emoting a feeling of detachment, know that they care just like you. So again, choose your words/actions carefully.
2. WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG?: As a child, I kinda got bullied and teased a lot. And every time I’d run home to my father to tell him what was going on, he’d cut me off and ask the same question, ‘Jasmine, what did YOU do?’ At the time it FELT insensitive - betraying even. Now I understand it. When faced with a break-up, the very best thing you can do FIRST is sit yourself down and ask, ‘What did YOU do?’ The truth is there is NEVER a completely innocent party. While someone often plays the bigger part, both parties contribute to the stew of messiness in one shape or another. But the road to healing is paved in personal responsibility. And as long as you’re focused on what he or she did, you will always miss what you’re doing and likely never learn the lesson.
1. IT’S STILL ME: Here’s the fact, there is yet to be a perfect person invented. And as much as we’d like to only see the good in the people we love, in the face of tremendous hurt, disappointment, betrayal, fear or any of the other ugly emotions that most often cause the break - even the most composed, calm and collected person can lose it. But here’s another fact - it doesn’t mean that the person screaming at you, giving you the business, telling your mama that you ain’t shit - isn’t still the same person you love. Ordinary people under extraordinary circumstances are often unrecognizable. But more often than not, the same person that made you laugh, held your hand, the person you trusted is still there. They’re just hurt, just like you.
I’ve said this before and I’ll keep saying it, break-ups are hard. Whether you’re dissolving a relationship, a partnership, a friendship or a marriage, the very fact that you’re undoing something you once were excited about is hurtful. But it’s important to remember two things: 1. Everyone is always both at least a little wrong and 2. You will get through it.
“#Secretly: I cannot keep large packages of q-tips in the house. I have a small obsession with how they feel in my ear and given a large supply, I will use one EVERY TIME I go to the bathroom. Each & every time. Now, I buy the small 24 travel pack and give myself an allotment of 2 a day. It’s ok, I feel you judging me…I can’t hear it though cause there’s a q-tip in my ear.”—
I think I’ve been moving towards fencing off my garden for some time now. Let me explain…
I’ve always been the person that writes my life (I know, I say this constantly), but I’m also strangely guarded. But the truth is I’ve been exposed to some toxic people for the last year now, and it’s time I was honest about it.
Late last week, I found myself very confused by an ongoing conflict I’ve been in with someone, I at one point was very close with - or who I thought I was very close with and love very much.
And this conflict - though on the surface might’ve seemed like (what had become) our normal back and forth - internally was really wearing on me - hurting me in fact. See I’m a very loyal person. I love hard and I fight hard. And this confusion had me doubting…well, myself. I had begun to question my own instincts - the very instincts that had gotten me this far in my life in the first place. I had been told so many different things, by so many different people, that I didn’t know who or what to believe…Not even myself.
So I took a moment to sit with God. I humbly asked Him something SO simple yet SO important: Please reveal the truth.
Over the next few days I allowed questions to flow in and out my mind, deciphering for myself their importance, until I landed on one: Did you mean what you said about 11 years from now? And when the opportunity presented itself, I asked it. But the answer, although delivered sincerely, still went against what my own gut told me. So in my morning prayer the next day, I asked God once more: Please reveal the truth.
And did He?
Yes. In the form of a random MMS, which I won’t even ASK it’s origin. But as I sat there looking at it, I felt the most calm I’d felt in weeks. Instead of anger, I found myself grateful. I’d asked for the truth…And had gotten it.
This person - this ‘friend’ whom I’d invited into my world, extended myself, who’s bond & opinion I’d come to value - Truly meant me no good. And although I’m truly heartbroken over how this has ended, I know it’s best that it has ended.
My Great-Grandmother said to me once, ‘You can’t let just anybody in your garden’ and as I looked at the pic, my heart in my stomach, I knew it was time to protect my roses.